Here is an excerpt from my journal from just a few minutes ago…
“Why am I so distracted today? Why do typos on Twitter make me cringe so much only when I type them? Why do I get caught in these strange vortexes that suck me into a black hole of doing nothing and feeling bad about it? Ugh oof rghh
Ok, back to the task of my redesigning my website. Well…crap. Maybe this is so hard because I’m forcing it. I was so excited to work on work stuff today and I haven’t done a thing. This happens every time!!!! So what am I doing?
Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. God. God. God. You. You. You. Ahhhhh there it is. There’s the pressure and light. And..wait for it….there’s the sound. God is the doer. All is well.”
This is not an uncommon chain of events for me these days:
I plan / avoid / expect / do because I’m supposed to / feel insecure / etc.
…Basically, I forget to watch my breath.
Then, I lose it / fall apart / slip into “go” mode / make poor decisions / etc.
Finally… I remember.
I come back around and try again.
Practice makes perfect. And boy am I getting some practice. I am in the process of learning how to be conscious of my breath all the time, regardless of any activity. I’m also learning to see God as the sole doer. It feels impossible at times because I have deeply ingrained, incorrect ideas of who I think I am. It takes practice and determination to change and learn. Above all, it takes patience.
This process of practice is very uncomfortable for me. I want to know and be and understand perfectly. NOW. I struggle with the patience part. But I’m learning to be ok with feeling uncomfortable and accepting it as part of the overall learning process.
Dis-ease makes us act in ways we don’t even want to. It can make us EAT, SAY, DO, THINK things that otherwise we wouldn’t. Everyone has their vice of choice, and I believe we turn to those vices when we feel uncomfortable. Obviously, there are varying levels of uncomfortableness. Hunger pains, addiction, boredom, fear, learning something new, changing jobs, death of a loved one, having a new baby, being late for a meeting, etc. These things all cause different levels of dis-ease inside.
Discomfort of any kind is meant to teach us. We learn from our mistakes, but we also learn from our discomfort. It’s how we respond to the discomfort that makes all the difference.
“Trouble is not for trouble’s sake.” ~ Paramahamsa Prajnanananda
Here are some questions to help you evaluate your learning process:
- Do you notice you’re uncomfortable before it drives you to making poor choices?
- Are you aware when you EAT / DO / SAY / THINK /etc. out of discomfort?
- Do you utilize your poor choices to help you learn and grow or let them make you feel badly about yourself?
But in the end…don’t worry. Everything is perfect. It’s all part of a bigger process and it takes as long as it takes. So just breathe.